Hi guys, I think I have Poison Ivy. If I do, it's in its early stages. So far, I've considered several options of removal:

-Burning it with a match. Hopefully it will kill the skin, and the poison ivy with it
-Cutting off circulation. No blood no pain
-Pouring liquid nitrogen on it. (If I can find some) Anything really cold would be nice
-Amputating the leg. (Not advisable, buying a robotic one will cost a lot)
-Sawing off the skin with a kitchen knife
-Straight up setting myself on fire
-Sticking leg in ice for several hours until mild frostbite
-And finally, initiating a coma until it heals. This is a bad idea because I wouldn't be able to play VO.

So, what do you guys think?

All of the above sounds like a good plan. Have fun!

I just have my boyfriend pee on it.

Straight up setting yourself on fire will solve all your problems present and future!

I'm pretty sure re-exposing your skin to the plant's oils will cancel out the existing reaction. In fact I'm 100% sure.

What you need, my friend, is a homeopathic remedy, which I will prepare for you at $18 per 1 oz. container. Use it liberally for 6-8 weeks and your rash shall disappear like magic. None of that Big Pharma crap for you - they're just trying to rip you off.

Reverse psychology. Tell yourself you like the itch; you need the itch, you live for the itch.

Here's the catch: never itch.

You could also try calamine lotion.

What you need to do is get a "friend" to dress up in a dark costume with gloves, boots, and a cape. Get him to crouch on something nearby. This will distract Poison Ivy. While she's distracted, simply shoot her in the back (be careful about the angle as the bullet will probably come out the other side, possibly hitting your "friend"). If you lack access to firearms or don't want to get so much blood on your lawn, you could instead strike her at the base of the skull with a blunt object. Either way, that should solve the problem for at least a few years until they find a way to write her back into the story again.

If you talk dirty to her her roots should loosen up and you can push her out the window. Preferably a 3+ story window, otherwise she will just come back up the stairs.

I decided to talk to Poison Ivy, thinking she could help.

We had sex and now I have Poison Syphilis, a combination of Poison Ivy and Syphilis.

if you know what jewel weed is, you can rub the juice of it on the poison ivy and it will go away
http://customers.hbci.com/~wenonah/hydro/jewelwed.htm

VR is correct: jewel weed is the shit; the more tender and aloe-like the stalk, the better. Stuff tends to grow around streams/ponds/springs/swampy areas. Unfortunately, its growing season seems to be significantly shorter than poison ivy's growing season...getting a case of the latter when all the former had already died off was no fun.